Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker
Junk. A complete abomination.
That’s the short version, so if you’re short on time, my advice: Simply skip this movie. Forever.
Spoiler Alert: As you’d expect, this critique reveals the film.
Plot
There isn’t one.
We’ve all suspected that J. J. Abrams couldn’t write, ever since his adventures with Lost, Star Trek, and Star Wars 7. Now we know for certain that he’s simply unable to write anything original.
Here’s the Story
- Princess Leia is alive, then she dies, then she’s a ghost.
- Luke Skywalker is still a ghost.
- Han Solo is dead, then he’s a ghost so he can tell Ben to be a good boy.
- Rey does a foreshortened version of the training that Luke did in Star Wars 5 with Leia (alive) taking the place of Yoda. Then she fights Ben Solo. Then they fight together and save each other’s lives. Then they kill her grandfather (Palpatine) as she proclaims that she represents all of the Jedi even though she’s a Sith. Then Ben dies.
- Ben shows up periodically for scenes with Rey.
- Other characters show up at random.
- Background drone of lightsaber fighting, blaster fire, and shooting from spaceships runs continuously through the first 99% of the film.
That’s it.
Essentially this film is a bunch of screenshots pasted together in a mostly random fashion for over two hours.
Directing
There isn’t any.
As we’ve also suspected, J. J. can’t direct. Adam Driver is a good actor but J. J. has managed to make his character as three-dimensional as the piece of cardboard that comes under a sheet of Domino’s pizza.
Sparkly Stuff
Visual sparkles are the only thing that makes this expensive music video interesting. That’s if you can focus on them since this film is edited together for people with ADD.
Ending
Save yourself time and money by watching the ending as Rey proclaims herself Rey Skywalker.
Real Cole Johnston Score
1 Star out of 5 because we don’t have to suffer through any more J. J. Star Wars films.
Photo by James Pond